Weird Water Reviews

These reviews were created for Megan.

Weird water reviews have now become a hobby! Once you see one weird water, you see them everywhere!

Round 2: Weird waters from elsewhere

Water #5: Adaptonic

Strawberry Holy Basil Sparkling Immunity Tonic. The return of “adaptogen”…but this time even better: “adaptonic!” Which is more ridiculous and more awesome. The can also included the phrases: “reishi mushroom” and “beta-glucans.” I don’t know what either of those mean, maybe because my college science course was geology. This modern looking can was purchased from Cafe Ceres in Linden Hills–and I’d go as far to say that “adaptonics” are likely THE drink of Linden Hills. My review:

  • Flavor: 7/10. The best part of this water–excuse me, IMMUNITY TONIC, was the strawberry flavor! It tasted like actual strawberry, like someone invited you into their backyard garden and gave you a homemade mocktail with real strawberries in it. The basil adds to the mocktail flavor. According to the can reishi mushrooms are flavorless, which is too bad because I would have liked to comment on the shroom flavor. A important note: this water was *lightly* sparkling. 2/10 on the bubbles.
  • Can design: 9/10. I like when can designs LEAN IN. This one does. The barcode on the back is even semi-circle shaped. I think Charley Harper’s understudy designed this can.
  • Superpowers: 5/10. Immunity is an increasingly difficult superpower to measure…I’m not sure how soon the immunity kicks in. Maybe instantly? I haven’t been sick since I had this… I did feel good after drinking, but only because I remembered the drink didn’t have gin in it.

Water #6: Functional Beverage for Modern Rituals

We have entered the realm of REAL SUPERPOWERS now. This can includes a warning that the FDA has not reviewed the label…and the label is bringing it. The drink is called Kin Euphorics: A Functional Beverage for Modern Rituals. I believe “Lightwave” is the flavor and “Grounding Calm” is what the reaction one should have after drinking. The back of the can warns not to drink more than 4 cans in one day (the 8 ounce can makes it the smallest to date), and that minors and pregnant folks shouldn’t drink it. Oh, and the drink may make you drowsy. I enjoyed this can outside over a tray of fish tacos between thunderstorms. Warning: It was like $5! My review:

  • Flavor: 4/10. Tastes like either a tea that should be hot or a wine you opened two weeks ago but left in the fridge. Somehow flat and slightly tangy at the same time. It wasn’t terrible, but maybe I should have done it as a shot?
  • Can design: 10/10. The can is cosmic and relaxing. They successfully crammed all the weird words on such a little can. Including the fact that this drink will provide you with 230%+ of your daily value of B6!
  • Superpowers: 3/10. Includes the flavorless mushrooms again. Was I calm? Sure. But I was on vacation. I’m guessing based on the words “dietary supplement” and “modern rituals” that this is supposed to be taken everyday. I’m a one-and-done kinda punk, so I won’t be returning and might be missing out on the superpowers.

Round 1: Weird waters from the co-op

Scott M. told me that Mississippi Market had seed potatoes, which they did! I went thirsty and ended up buying 4 cans of waters that claimed they would give me some sort of superpower. Each can was between $2.75 and $4.00 (superpowers are not cheap). Below is my review of the waters, which I drank over the course of a week.

Water #1: CBD Sparkling Water

This was 12 ounces of 25mg CBD tangerine-flavored sparkling water. (I’m not sure if that is a lot of or a little CBD, I’m also not sure what CBD is suppose to do for my body, but the can claimed it would make me feel “focused & chilled.” I drank it at 11:00pm on a Saturday night while watching hulu.) My review:

  • Flavor: 7/10. Tangerine was a little sour, which I liked. Crisp and refreshing. Would have been better with a splash of grapefruit, which might have been a flavor that I didn’t pick. Stands up to other orange-adjacent waters I’ve had, not nothing too outstanding.
  • Can design: 10/10. I liked the ’70s vibe.
  • Superpowers: 0/10. I didn’t feel focused or chilled. But I also didn’t feel well that night. I was drinking this instead of a beer, which was a good choice.

Water #2: Organic Sparkling Water with Immunity Support

The superpower claims are ramping up, hold on to something. This drink, called Cloud Water + Immunity was my first pick from the co-op refrigerator. According to the can, this organic sparkling water has vitamin D and zinc AND tastes of blackberry, lemon, and rosemary. I already take a daily multivitamin for my vegetarian lifestyle, so I may not be the ideal target of this drink. My review:

  • Flavor: 10/10. I loved this. It tastes like what I WANT Gatorade taste like. Or what I want a booze-free cocktail to taste like. It might not be as carbonated as some other sparkling waters (smaller bubbles maybe?), or maybe it was very carbonated and I nearly chugged it anyway. The lemon and rosemary keep the blackberry from tasting like Kool-aid.
  • Can design: 5/10. If I saw this for sale at any store that wasn’t a co-op, I wouldn’t have bought it. It looks like the design for a productivity app. I did like the joke(?) that it’s cloudwater…not rain.
  • Superpowers: 10/10. Did I *feel* like I had superpowers? Yes. I think the rosemary and lemon are to thank! Was my immunity boosted? No…but I think I relaxed my facial muscles while I drank.

Water #3: Mood Enhancing Sparkling Water

Had I had this before? No…but it looks like every single thing I see endorsed on instagram. In fact, I went to the company’s website and it boasted: “as seen on instagram”…which is weird thing to say considering I’ve seen a rat carrying a slice of pizza on instagram. I hope that the creators are 24 year olds with food science degrees. Why own a crystal with healing powers when you could just drink this? The can is a matte creamsicle color with a label that makes it feel like terra cotta to the touch. I think the brand is “Recess” or maybe “Recess Mood” or…maybe “mood” is the product name under the brand “Recess.” I didn’t care. This sparkling water was a peach ginger flavor that included: “mood enhancing magnesium & adaptogen infused” to help me feel “calm, cool, and collected.” (Three words that do not describe me.) My review:

  • Flavor: 9/10. All faux health foods should add ginger as an ingredient. I love peaches, but hate most peach-flavored things (looking at you, peach-os). This, however, was wonderful. I would buy this at a bar. Or poolside.
  • Can design: 10/10. I didn’t like the feel, but the look was great. Creamsicle with clouds. Someday this vibe will pass, I’m enjoying it while I can.
  • Superpowers: 9/10. I drank this at a zoom meeting. I looked v cool while doing so. It DID make me feel calm. I was so collected that I drank the whole can without setting it down somewhere and forgetting. It also taught me a new word: “adaptogen”…which maybe fake science, but is a great word.

Water #4: Prebiotic Soda

I love kombucha. I like local, “want some of this kombucha from my fridge,” giant SCOBY ‘bucha. I’d follow Sandor Katz, the Radical Faerie, into a storm. This drink is NOT kombucha. I think it is an alternative for people trying to kick a Mello Yello addiction. It is not dank or slimy or pungent. My review:

  • Flavor: 5/10. I haven’t had a Mello Yello in years, but this is what I remember it tasting like. It’s very sweet, but has low sugar. The ginger lime is more lime than ginger.
  • Can design: 4/10. Did Target design this? Did they design it for children?
  • Superpowers: 0/10. No way.
  • NOTE: This is a great alternative to a can of soda/pop. But that’s not my jam.

Published by Emma M.

Publishing and more.

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